the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
