whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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