dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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