omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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