I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
