I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
