You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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