so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
