I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
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I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
How naked do you want me to be?
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