he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
