found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
