you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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