i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We named our party play list daddy issues
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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