Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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