There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
