Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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