Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
