he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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