you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
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My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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