Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't deserve a penis
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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