I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
