Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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