Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The air was thick with penises
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
