dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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