Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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