I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
