so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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