Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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