and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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