Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
