yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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