i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
