Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i came on her dog
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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