In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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