he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
