After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
