I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
