she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
