I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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