I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
