saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
