I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize
