Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
