I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
