cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You left your underwear on the fireplace
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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