i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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