if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
