My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
