is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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