1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
