Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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