If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
