Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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