Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
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He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
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This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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