my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
