Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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