Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
