I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
